Loving Communication

Therapists will often tell you that one of the biggest inhibitors in a relationship is a lack of communication. This is sometimes true but the purpose of communication a majority of the time in a relationship is based off of manipulation. How can I get my spouse to do what I want. This idea may sound selfish at first but this is often something that is done subconsciously and not on purpose. How do you have better ways of communication that aren't based solely off of selfish means, and how can you find a way to meet both you and your partners needs?